Ambrosia
by Delilah Noir
Summary: In which Eren has long since mastered the art of culinary black magic. Crack, Crack treated seriously, just outright silliness. I will not apologize.
1. Ambrosia

Alright, before you get into this there are probably a few things you should know.

1\. This is just some unadulterated silliness. I will not apologize. You clicked you can suffer.  
2\. I haven't been really involved in this fandom for almost two years now. I do not know about nor do I care about current canon.

Enjoy!

* * *

Someone had started a rumor, no one was sure who (though bets were on Sasha) and like with most rumors it spread. It was relatively tame as far as things like this went, most people just laughed at it and moved on, not really think anything of it.

Until the 104th's secret nightmare came true.

Rumor had it that one cadet Eren Jaeger couldn't cook.

It also said that it was his name up on the roster for that evening's dinner preparation.

It was a sunny morning when chore assignments were given out that day, like any other. Evidently, the instructor had noticed that Eren hadn't been assigned that particular chore and decided to remedy the situation, obviously by assigning him dinner duty.

Now normally, this wasn't much of an issue. All the instructors were aware of the cadet gossip, they couldn't not be while sharing such close quarters, so they usually went out of their way to assign the cooking to another cadet (typically Marco, he was no gourmet chef but he was decent in the kitchen). No one wanted to be served bad food. Bad for morale.

This particular instructor was new, having just transferred from another camp, and was therefore unaware of the interconnected drama involved in the 104th's rumor mill. Chief among that being that one does not just assign Eren Jaeger cooking duty and expect good outcomes. It was like blasphemy.

So, the morning it was announced, those present stood there in abject shock and horror as Eren nodded, wholly unconcerned. He apparently hadn't heard the rumors. As he turned to leave, the new instructor was surprised to be met with looks of genuine loathing and was caught off guard. So taken aback was he that he completely forgot to reprimand the group of cadets that had given him the stink eye.

The news spread quickly, reaching all the cadets and most of the older instructors by noon. A heavy feeling of dread hung over the mess hall during the mid-day meal. The cadets mourned for their lost dinner by slowly eating the underseasoned stew they had been served.

Eren didn't notice.

Mikasa and Armin, however, very much did, the both of them glancing around curiously at the general atmosphere of gloom. Tentatively, Armin leaned over to Jean. "What's up with them?" He asked.

Jean sighed, heavy and gloomy. "Hadn't you heard? Eren's been assigned dinner duty tonight."

Armin blinked, baffled. "And that's bad?"

Glancing at him Jean mulishly stirs his soup. "I'd have thought you and Mikasa would know best. Who knows _what _that maniac's gonna do to our food."

Again Armin blinked. "Right…" he trailed off, watching as Jean got up to dump his bowl and leave. Turning to Mikasa, they shared a look and Mikasa shook her head. She had no idea what that was about either.

"Guess we'll find out later huh?" Armin says, shrugging before returning to his bowl.

The rest of the afternoon passes in a daze for most of the other cadets, dread making the minutes bleed into hours. Sasha tears up when she sees Eren leave for the kitchen and she kisses her precious food goodbye.

Eren had left early for dinner prep, which some of the cadets had noticed, and when loud banging was heard from the kitchen their imaginations ran wild. The group of cadets standing near enough to hear the commotion started trying to predict just what exactly would be on their plates that night. One cadet was sure that, whatever it was, it would still be twitching by the time it got there.

They were also the first to notice the smell coming out of the kitchen.

One of the girls had looked up, gingerly sniffing the air and loudly asked if any of the others smelled it. The others sniffed. The others smelled it. Whatever it was, it smelled _good_.

Surprised, the kitchen group crept closer to the door, pulling it open a crack to get more of that scent. Unfortunately, the door creaked loudly, catching Eren's attention. He looked over his shoulder at the noise, narrowing his eyes in a glare at the doe-eyed group of cadets. "If your name isn't Armin or Mikasa get out!" He barked.

Quickly, the group scrambled to get out of the kitchen, fear of the genuine look of murder in Eren's eyes nipping at their heels. They only stopped running once they were far away from the kitchen and they realized there was nothing to be running from. Eren wouldn't come after them.

Right?

One of the cadets, hunched over with his hands on his knees, asked the others if they had smelled the same thing he had. The others all muttered their agreement. They'd noticed. Whatever the hell Eren was making had smelled amazing the closer they were. After they catch their breath, they mutually agree to split up and spread the news. Something was happening in the kitchen and it was _good_.

Excited chatter spreads through the barracks, most of the cadets finished with their assignments for the day, as the kitchen groups tells everyone they can about what they'd found. There are naysayers, Jean among the loudest of them, but they're all drowned out by one thing. Hope.

In the background, Armin and Mikasa smirk at each other, both of them knowing full well what's coming. This is just the tip of the iceberg.

When the dinner bell rings the cadets rush to the mess. Those that get there first freeze creating a wall that blocks the rest of them from getting in. Sasha, who had gotten there before most everyone else stares wide-eyed and mouth agape as she watches Eren, in an apron and his face spattered with flower, places a final plate on one of the tables.

He looks up, cocking his head. "Well, what're you waiting for?"

Still staring, she starts stumbling forward to a seat. Her mouth waters at the spread.

On each of the tables is a platter piled high with roasted meat, juicy and sprinkled with spices. Accompanying it is a spread of potatoes cooked in at least five different ways and a _real_ vegetable medley. God, she hadn't seen lettuce in _years_. And the smell, oh the smell. If she could she would've written poetry about the scent in the air, but at the moment she's too occupied with the food in front of her.

The rest of the cadets follow her example, walking in unable to believe their eyes and slowly taking their seats. Even the instructors are gobsmacked, one of them wildly wondering where the hell Eren had even gotten meat, chicken of all things.

Eren, the man responsible for this complete befuddlement, pays them no mind. He grabs his own chair and sits down, Mikasa and Armin on either side of him. Neither of them looked surprised.

He grabs his fork and starts eating, not paying any attention to the stares of the rest of the 104th.

Tentatively, Sasha picks up her own fork and spears a bite of food. She gulps. Putting it in her mouth, she eats it. Immediately she lets out a downright sexual moan, dropping her fork and standing quickly enough to move the entire bench she was sitting on, other cadets and all. With tears streaming down her face she throws herself down in front of Eren and grabs one of his hands.

"Eren," She says, voice choked. "Will you marry me?"

Eren looks between his hand in hers and Sasha's face, confused. "Uh… No?"

Sasha's bottom lip quivers as more tears spill down her face, totally unaware of the daggers Mikasa is shooting at her with her eyes. "Okay, but will you at least cook for me again?"

"Yeah," Eren says, nodding. "Whenever you want, now get off me."

Wiping her face, Sasha goes back to her seat, picking up her fork and eating with gusto. Well, more gusto than usual.

Warily, the other cadets look back to their food with all the commotion over. One brave man gulps before taking a bite of his own food. When he freezes up exactly like Sasha did, also letting out an inappropriate moan, then starts eating like Sasha normally does, the rest of them take a bite. They all freeze, simultaneously moaning around the food in their mouths.

The taste, oh god the _taste_.

Whatever magic Eren worked, whatever he did to the meat, it tastes heavenly. The food tastes like an angel sings, heavenly chorus and all.

Several cadets burst into tears, whispering faint prayers. Every one of them enthusiastically tear into their meals. The mess is filled with nothing but the sounds of silverware scraping plates and happy chewing. The only ones unaffected are Eren, Armin, and Mikasa.

The cadets are far too busy to pay attention to much more than what's on their plates, but someone does notice when Eren gets up. The girl that notices elbows the boy next to her, jutting her chin at Eren when he scowls at her. He turns to look and sees Eren and Mikasa and Armin disappear back into the kitchen.

"What do you think they're doing?" She asks.

He shrugs, turning back to his plate for a final bite. "Don't know, don't care, hope it's more food though."

He had no idea how right he was.

Eren, Mikasa, and Armin all walk back into the mess carrying a platter each. When she gets a good look at what's _on_ the platters she nearly faints.

Where the _hell_ had Eren found _cake_?!

"Okay guys, here's dessert," Eren says, holding his platter a little higher. "There's chocolate, vanilla, and strawberry to choose from."

The room goes silent for a moment and the cadets watch as Eren starts cutting pieces of the cake. Then the moment breaks and there's absolute chaos. People start grabbing their plates and hurriedly standing up. They push and shove at one another, all heedless of anyone else in their frenzy to get to one of the cakes. Sasha bites someone when they try to push her out of the way.

As this unfolds, drill sergeant Shadis watches stunned before schooling his expression and barking out orders for quiet, but he's ignored. He and the other instructors are shoved out of the way without any regard for their rank. It was every man for himself in the battle for cake.

It's only when it starts getting vicious, a pair of cadets in the middle of what could be an all-out brawl with one pulling hair and the other brandishing a fork awfully close to an eye, that Eren decides that enough is enough.

Standing in front of the small table he and Mikasa and Armin had put the cakes down, he plants his hands on his hips. "Hey!" He yells, but no one notices. So he takes a deep breath. "HEY!" He shouts.

Every cadet (and even some of the instructors) freeze. They all turn to look at Eren, wide-eyed.

Eyes narrowed in a glare, Eren jabs his thumb over his shoulder. "If you all expect to get cake then quit your dumbass brawling and line up!"

And just like that, all the cadets get up and start forming orderly lines muttering apologies. Eren, Armin, and Mikasa stand at the head of each line to divvy everything up evenly. Patiently they all wait their turns and everyone is served a generous slice of cake before returning to their seats.

There's a hush over the room and an unspoken command to _wait_ until everyone has been given their slice. The instructors are served last since they were the last to line up, much to their poorly hidden annoyance. When they sit down, the scrape of their chairs loud in the silent mess, everyone grabs their forks up and digs in.

Upon the first taste, many of the cadets burst into tears more (including Sasha, but she'd been sobbing throughout this whole affair). Most of the girls shout cries for Eren's hand in marriage, even some of the guys (Jean was surprisingly the loudest of these), all of them completely ignoring the deadly aura surrounding Mikasa. The aura that keeps getting darker and darker with each subsequent proposal.

Eren just ignores them, calmly eating his cake while Mikasa plans mass homicide next to him and Armin stares dumbfounded at the chaos. It may be the first time that he's actually the _calmest_ person in the room.

Unfortunately, like most things, dinner must come to an end. All the cadets finish their cake and there's nothing left to serve. Their bellies are full and their spirits are high.

When the instructors call for lights out in ten minutes none of the cadets complain. All of them float on cloud nine for the rest of the evening, getting ready for bed and laying their heads down to dreams of the amazing meal they'd had.

Mikasa, Eren, and Armin, however, end up having to stay late. Drill sergeant Shadis makes them clean the mess and the kitchen as a "punishment". Though Armin's pretty sure it's just because he wasn't first to get a piece of cake. Eren just shrugs and gets to work and Mikasa follows her lead. It's well into the night before they finish, having to wash all the dishes left behind. When they're all done they drop into their beds, not bothering to change, and fall right to sleep.

In the morning, Eren is hailed as a hero throughout the barracks. And from then on, Eren's name is added to the roster for dinner duty. No one wants to miss another feast like that.

(Though Shadis makes sure not to have him cook _too_ often. He doesn't think their kitchen resources could handle it, even though he still has no _idea_ where Eren had managed to get any of that.)

* * *

Erwin ends up getting wind of this in the Survey Corps. and decides right then and there that he will stop at nothing to have one cadet Jaeger in his division. He claims it's for the morale boost but we all know that it's just because he wants to be fed amazing food.

So, what did you think? Leave me a review to let me know!

Also, come say hi on tumblr at .com!


	2. Satan's Good Ole Hometown Cookin'

So this is a sort of sequel to Ambrosia, set at some ambiguous time in the future after Eren and co. have joined up with the Survey Corps. You don't need to read that first to understand this one, but know that it's just as ridiculous. If not more.

I regret _nothing_.

* * *

It was almost seven in the evening and there were pots and pans clanging in the kitchen. Levi could hear the fire crackling and faint voices behind the door. Initially, he'd only come to the kitchen for a fresh pot of tea, his having grown cold a while ago, but now he was curious.

He'd heard about Eren Jaeger and his reported miracles in the kitchen and he didn't believe a word of it. Levi was well aware of how rumors stretched the truth and had no interest in getting involved in all that nonsense. In fact, he was still skeptical even with the evidence right under his nose.

Now he needed to investigate.

Very quietly, he nudges the door open, careful to keep it from creaking. Over the din in the kitchen, it probably wouldn't be heard, but there's no need to be careless. He's caught totally off guard by the sight behind the door.

The kitchen was in total disarray. It looked like some kind of disaster area and Levi was itching to grab a rag and start scrubbing the counters (and the cabinets and the stove and the walls and the _ceiling_ for god's sake) just _looking_ at it. Biting back the urge, he watched the two cadets inside.

"Alright," Groans the blonde, Aardvark or Arlert or something, voice strained as he hauls a huge pot. "Where do you need this Eren?"

Jaeger, who stood shirtless in front of one of the counters, looks up from what he's doing. He was splattered with blood and there were strange marks drawn on his chest. "Over there Armin," He says, pointing to the fireplace with the knife in his hand. Also bloodstained. "It'll be stew tonight."

Arlert groans and hauls the pot to the fireplace, struggling to catch the handle on the hook. "You know," He gasps, bent with his hands on his knees after stringing up the pot, cauldron really. "I appreciate you doing this and all, but do you _really_ need to use such a big pot?"

"Yep," Jaeger leans over the side of the counter out of Levi's sight and grabs a canvas bag. Which is _also_ bloodstained. "We're feeding a lot of people, and I'm not gonna let them go hungry." Pulling open the bag, he grabs out a severed goat head and a small jar full of something dark and red. The goat is obviously freshly killed. There's still blood dripping from its severed neck.

Just what the everloving _fuck_ is going on here?

Arlert just chuckles, not phased by the _severed goat head_. "What did he want this time?"

Jaeger groans, setting aside the head and popping open the jar. "Asshole wanted a virgin sacrifice," He makes a face as he takes a paintbrush and dips it in the jar. With steady hands, he draws a perfectly shaped pentagram. "A virgin _goat _sacrifice."

"What, really!?" Arlert sputters.

"Oh yeah, fucker has weird tastes. Do _not_ get me started on how long it took me to find a virgin _goat_."

Arlert laughs, like his friend hadn't just said the most insane fucking thing Levi has _ever_ heard. "You couldn't just use a baby goat, a kid or whatever?"

"No," Jaeger scowls. "He said goat so it has to be a full-grown _goat_."

"So how did you find one?"

Jaeger's glower grows darker. "I had to ask the _farmers_."

Arlert loses it, dropping into a chair as he cackles with laughter. "I think that's the best thing I've ever heard!"

"Yeah yeah, laugh it up," Jaeger says, closing the jar and putting the goat head in the center of the pentagram. "_You're_ not the one who had to explain why the military needed a _virgin goat_."

"No," Arlert laughs. "But I'm also not the one who decided it was a good idea to make a deal with the devil."

Jaeger rolls his eyes as he wipes his hands on an old rag. "Like you haven't benefited from it. He's kept us fed for the past few years."

"And I appreciate it, really, but I'm not the one who made a deal with the actual devil for food. So I hardly think you can complain Eren."

"I can complain all I like," Jaeger grumbles. He drops the _filthy blood-stained rag_ on the counter. (Levi swears he'll make Jaeger run drills for _days_ after this. Right after he makes him clean the fucking kitchen.) Closing his eyes, Jager takes a deep breath and positions his hands on the pentagram. Then he starts chanting.

Levi doesn't recognize the words, can't even place the language, but there's something inherently… wrong about it. The sound of it makes his skin crawl. After several long minutes of freaky chanting, he moves to stop Jaeger, unable to stand anymore but stops before he even touches the door. The hair on the back of his neck stands on end and his whole body tenses.

Something crackles through the air and every instinct Levi has is shouting at him _danger! danger! run! run! run! _It's only long practice at ignoring it that lets him stay rooted to the spot.

Beside Jaeger, the air swirls, waving as if there's intense heat just in that spot. Then it _twists_. It makes Levi's head spin as he watches the air split apart to reveal a hellish red. A well-dressed man steps out of the portal, followed by agonized screams. There's a pop and suddenly the world is back to normal. The man stands there, straightening his cravat as if he hadn't just stepped out of thin air.

The stranger looks around the kitchen before his eyes land on Jaeger. His whole body language changes and he darts to the cadet, throwing his arms around Jaeger and smushing his face on top of the boy's head.

"Eren!" He squeals.

Jaeger just sighs, patting the man's arm. "Yes, yes, hello to you too Lucy. Now would you get the hell off me?"

Lucy pouts. "And why would I do that? It's been _so long_ Eren!"

"I saw you two weeks ago."

"I _know_ and it's been _awful!_"

Arlert snorts, drawing Lucy's attention.

"Oh, Armin's here! Hello Armin!"

The blond gives a small wave. "Hello Lucifer, it's good to see you again."

"Armin," The man sighs, "How many times have I told you to call me Lucy?"

"I lost count sometime last year."

Lucifer pouts at him for a moment before looking around the room again. "Where's Mikasa."

"Out training," Jager says, extracting himself from Lucifer's arms. "Didn't want her starting another fight with you and ruining dinner again."

"But that's the fun part!" Whines Lucifer, grabbing at Jaeger as he slips away. The cadet ducks his grasping hands easily, moving back to the counter.

He grabs the goat head and tosses it at Lucifer. "Here."

The man snatches it out of the air, holding the thing at eye level to examine it. One long, _clawed, what the fuck_, finger catching a drop of blood just before it falls, and bringing it to his mouth to taste it. Lucifer lets out a startled laugh. "You actually managed it, you brought me a _virgin goat_ sacrifice!"

"No thanks to you." Jager snorts. "Why did you even need a virgin goat anyway?"

Lucifer just grins, white teeth gleaming. "I didn't."

Jager rolls his eyes. "Of course not." Lucifer laughs and Jaeger huffs an exasperated breath. "Alright, you've had your damn laugh. I've got what you asked for now give me some food."

"Is that all I am to you Eren?" He asks, laying a dramatic hand over his heart. "Just a meal ticket?"

"Yep." Jager deadpans. Arlert snickers.

Lucifer heaves an exaggerated sigh. "Well, at least you're honest. What's for dinner?"

Jager tilts his head and thinks for a moment. "Beef stew with a salad and fresh bread."

"Sounds tasty," Says Lucifer. He snaps his fingers and the air over the counters warps. Levi gets the same chill down his spine, not as strong, but he still has to force himself not to move. Suddenly, burlap sacks bulging at the seams fade into existence, looking for all the world like they'd been there the entire time. "But you forgot desert. How about some devil's food cake?"

Jager huffs. "That wasn't funny the first time."

"Oh come on, that's a classic!"

"Whatever you say, Lucy," Jager waves dismissively, turning to shift through the sacks. He pulls out an assortment of vegetables, all plump and perfectly ripe in his hands. "Now get outta here, I've got cooking to do."

"Fine, fine, I'll leave you to it. Save me a plate!"

"Will do."

"Bye Armin, it was good to see you again! Tell Mikasa I missed her." Lucifer waves at the cadets before batting at the air to his side. In the wake of his hand, he leaves a jagged tear that grows and spreads until it's tall enough for him to step through, that same tormented screaming coming from it. Then he steps through and he's gone, portal closing behind him.

If Levi never had to see that shade of red again it would be too soon.

He shakes himself before turning his attention back to the cadets. Arlert's joined Jaeger at the counter, searching through more of the sacks. "He was pretty generous this time huh?"

Jaeger nods, standing at the sink. "Yeah, this should keep the Corp. fed for a couple days at least."

Their chatter washes over him as Levi watches the two of them prepare a feast. The smell coming from the kitchen makes his mouth water, and he stood there in dumbfounded silence as Jaeger worked. It was like the cadet was in at least three different places at once, simultaneously cooking the food, cleaning the kitchen, and storing away anything he didn't need. If Levi didn't know better he'd say Jaeger was using his ODM gear.

When he'd seen enough, (seen all he could handle - the kitchen counters were fucking _sparkling_ again when they'd just been covered in _animal blood_) Levi quietly closed the door behind him and headed back to his office, tea forgotten. A few hours of normal, boring paperwork was just what he needed right now. Anything to help him forget the insanity going on in the kitchen.

Almost two hours later, when some cadet was sent to collect him for dinner, he ignored it, sending the dumbass and icy glare when he dared to try and cajole him out of his office. Levi had no interest in rubbing elbows with the rest of the Corp. in the mess hall. Much less eating food that had been made like _that._

Best not to think about it.

So with one final cutting remark, he kicked the uppity cadet out of his office with his tail tucked between his legs. And proceeded to power through the rest of his paperwork.

On the bright side, Levi was finally going to be ahead of it for once. A miracle if there ever was one.

When he dragged himself out of his office, late into the night, he headed to the kitchen again, determined to actually get his tea this time. Halls deserted, Levi found his way without issue. His eye twitches when the door creaks as he pushes it open.

He casts a wary glance around. The kitchen was spotless, not a speck of blood in sight, as if there had never been a mess at all. Maybe he'd hallucinated the entire thing. Sounded more likely than whatever the fuck he'd seen earlier.

He moved to his preferred cupboard, where he kept everything he needed to make himself a pot of tea, but stopped when he saw it. Sitting on the countertop closest was a tray. A bowl, small plate, and his favorite teapot and matching cup were perched innocently on top. Levi frowns.

Cautiously, he pulls off the light cloth covering the dishes. He's met with a picture-perfect spread of the dinner that was served earlier that evening. He sighs. Well, there went the hallucinations. Might as well suck it up and eat.

When he picked up the tray to take it back to his quarters, Levi was surprised to find the teapot warm.

He wasn't sure if he should be amused or creeped out.

Jaeger was a god damned pain in the ass.

* * *

Sooooo, yeah. Eren made a deal with the devil for food. Hence the black magic. I had fun with this lol.

Let me know what you think of all this ridiculousness with a review. Then come yell at me on tumblr, (a)delilahnoir.


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